40 hours/week of ridiculousness

So, it's performance evaluation & promotion time! That's right party-people - time for my project managers & leads to roll out the bullshyt carpet, and lay on another layer, to keep folks from walking out of the building when they announce which member of the brown-noser-of-the-month club got kicked upstairs this year. Whoopee!

Seriously though - and fyi, it's really not the hormones talking today - this shyt is amusing to me now. See, the thing is - nepotism is so rampant at my gig, that even some of the brown-nosers are nailing my PM's & PL's to the wall about this process. You can only shake that carrot in front of the horse for so long, until the horse says "f&*% this, I ain't moving until you just gimme some water!"

Here's how they 'splain the process occurs:

The PM's & PL's get together, and rate each employee's performance on a scale of 1-5, where 5 = Exceeding all standards, and performing at the next level higher than their current position. Then, they take a look at all the 5's, and rank them based on their past ratings/rankings, current job responsibilities, challenge level of their work, priority/visibility of their work, etc..etc..etc. Then, based on budget constraints, number of available positions, etc - the highest rated AND ranked people get promotions, and the rest of the employees wait until next year and hope for the best. No 5's = no promotions. Nice.

Here's how it actually occurs:

The PM's & PL's can barely stand to be around each other, and their performance evaluations are based partially on their ability to develop their employees. So, anytime someone pitches for their own employee to get promoted, some other PL takes a huge swig of haterade, and spits out some 'ole bullshyt to keep that person from getting promoted:

PL#1: I'm suggesting a 5 for Joe Smith
PL#2: Joe Smith spends too much time away from his desk. I see him everyday walking around the building between 9:45 and 10:00AM, then again between 12:00 and 12:30, and in the afternoon again at 3PM. When does he have time for being a 5?!
PL#1: Joe's got a heart condition - he walks for fitness.
PL#2: He should get a treadmill, and walk at home. Jane Doe's a 5, and you never see her leave her desk....

I love it! This hyper-competitive environment guarantees that anyone remotely attempting to get promoted will be killing themselves to get a 5, with no guarantees they'll actually be promoted. Meanwhile, the department is ensured that they're getting the maximum performance out of each employee, without spending one extra friggin dime to get it. Sweet. So, when one-brown noser gets himself bent outta shape about the process...

Brown-noser: Ok, so what you're telling me is, I can be a 5 and KNOW I'm functioning at the next level, and my boss can know I'm functioning at the next level, and once those ratings come out, I can still end up #4 on the list, and if the budget warrants it, or for various other reasons, I may not get promoted.
PL#1: Yes.
Brown-noser: So, what about the frustration level this creates...I mean what if people just decide to leave...
PL#1(interrupting): ...that's one of the risks of the system that we have to accept. I just recommended 2 people for promotions for 2005, and both are now leaving, because neither of them got it...
Brown-noser: And you're ok with this???
PL#1: This is the best system we've come up with under the circumstances...blah...blah...blah...

...internally, I'm chuckling my a$$ off. There really IS no such thing as a merit-based promotion (their term) and this shyt happens once/year. Now, they do promote other folks based on "business need" (read: just because they feel like it - and need a justification for it) any time they want to without a)those employees going through this process and b) without actually announcing it. Even sweeter - that's nepotism at it's finest. We know several people that have been kicked upstairs for their knob-slobbing capabilities, a$$-kissing capabilities, and a coupla dumb-a$$es that have been here so long - they just needed to get them outta the way so they could hire some fresh meat, so they created titles/positions for them <- BAM, there you have - the winners of the nepotism-lottery Big Game.

Did'ja read that a sista is trying to become self-employed, or do some consulting work? Is your company hiring? I do Java, J2EE, Unix, HTML, Graphics,..hell, I'll even do Windows, yanno....

...and yes, I do know that along with a new gig, I need some fresh a$$ also - I'm working on that too...